Parents, let’s face it, we hate to see our children suffer. We hate to see them struggle, be sad, not be able to accomplish a task. From tying shoes to climbing in the playground, to succeeding in school to getting their first job, the whole process is fraught with difficulties and opportunities for failure, but also success. It is our job to teach them resilience and how to handle adversity. It is our job to teach them that they are not failures if they fail at a task.
Take a look at your own life. Think back to a time when you experienced failure. How did your parents react? What message did they send by this reaction? How did you feel about it then? How do you feel about it now? What did you learn?
Perhaps you learned not to trust your parents. Perhaps you learned not to trust your own body. Perhaps you felt ashamed of not pleasing your parents or your ability to do something physical. Whatever this failure taught you, it is common that this message stays with you well into adulthood. We remember being shamed by our parents or teachers or disappointed in ourselves. Due to historical and cultural parenting styles, shame and embarrassment are all too common for adults today.
Now imagine a different treatment. Imagine you were encouraged to get back up, try again, focus on what you learned not on the moment of success or failure. Imagine you were encouraged to look at this setback as just that, a setback, and a learning opportunity to improve on the next effort. Abraham Lincoln said, there are no failures, only learning. What if we could create this outlook and belief for our children?
Parents of children with special needs are particularly vulnerable to hover, protect, and avoid difficulties and failures. Our children did not learn at the same rate, they were constantly compared to typically developing peers. But our children were not typically developing. True, we may have had to protect them a little longer. We may have needed to guide and redirect them in a little more detail and into a later age. But at some point they must grow up and function in the world alone, or almost alone.
The greatest measure of our success as a parent is how our children can function in the world on their own. Is my child an effective adult?
Let’s define effective. An effective adult can hold a job, live mostly independently, prepare or manage their own food needs. They can pay their own bills. They understand at least the basics of banking and can use a credit or debit card. They may buy a car, learn to drive, or learn to use public transportation independently. My must manage their household, knowing when and how to clean, and throw out the garbage. They need to be able to keep themselves and their refrigerators clean to avoid germs, illness, varmints and just plain being gross. An effective adult must know basic bodily functions and how to determine when to go to a doctor, manage their own illnesses and medications. An effective adult has 1 to 5 friends outside of family members. An effective adult knows how to find a mate if they choose, how to talk through a disagreement, and be kind to a friend, lover or spouse. An effective adult is gainfully employed in some manner and may even have a hobby that brings them joy and occupies pleasant time. An effective adult is basically happy.
As parents it’s our job to help them get there.
Let them fail!
One of the most important skills for adulthood is resilience. Research shows that toddlers who face adversity and have learned to control emotions enough to rebound from a setback and try again perform better in school and have better relationships in young adolescence.
Let’s look at some common “failures” by age group.
Toddlers, walk or run and fall, try to walk the stairs of the slide and fall, take the slide too fast and fall, try to walk up or downstairs in our homes and fall. Try to open or close a cup, jar, toy and be unable. Drink and spill.
Elementary age: swing or climb too high and fall, disagree with a classmate and argue or fight, lose a valued toy and are crushed, dress themselves too slowly and miss the bus. Run to catch the bus but forget their lunch or bookbag. Wake up too late to manage any of the morning routines.
Middle School: All the functions of school continue to be an issue for this age group, but perhaps the greatest challenge is now friendships. How do I meet friends? How do I act with my friends. What do I do if someone doesn’t like me? How do I handle a bully? Do I know what is “cool?” Do I care? What kind of a person am I? Am I kind? Am I the bully? Do I help others? Do I need help? How do I ask for help? Who is a safe person to ask for help from?
High School: Executive functions like being late for school, dressing inappropriately for high school, forgetting the bookbag and lunch continue. Relationships become paramount and take a back seat to almost everything, including parents. We become the enemy in many ways and our caring, best advice is often tossed aside with a scoff and sneer of disdain. We try harder, usually with disastrous results.
College Age, post high school: Executive functions are all the actions that take planning. What clothes will I wear, when and what will I eat? Do I need to wash my clothes, how can I tell? Do I need to shower every day? How can I tell? If I have class at 1, what, when, and where will I eat? Does the cafeteria have foods I like? Should I try something new? What if my friends are heavy drinkers or smokers? Is that me? How will I know? Is it OK for me to try? What if I can’t stop? I’d rather play video games than go to class. While these are not specifically the “failures” you can see how answering these questions poorly will result in failures or setbacks, loss of friends, flunking a class, or becoming ill or injured.
Let them fail!
As a coach of young adults on the Autism Spectrum I find very often the parents have sheltered these students too long. Understandably, a parent of a child with special needs likely had to protect, teach and manage these children more and for longer than their neurotypical peers. Often I find I coach the parents to let go a bit. In some ways, as a coach, I take over the parent role, but I am not the parent. I consider myself a trusted adult who only has their best interests in mind. I have no agenda other than helping this person become an effective adult. It’s time for the parents to step back and let their child make some choices of their own. Truthfully, this doesn’t always fit with the parents’ vision. But honestly, did you do exactly what your parents wanted you to do? This rarely happens. We are effective adults and we made our own choices in many places along the way. Sometimes a trusted adult was involved. Trusted adults can be aunts or uncles, teachers, counselors, best friend’s parent, or employer. We typically find sources along the way to adulthood.
Let them fail! Let’s face it, no one gets to adulthood without failure.
Think back to the item you remembered at the beginning of this post. How did you resolve it? Did someone help you? How did you know they would be able to? Were they a last resort? Did you handle it by yourself and then felt alone or proud?
I encourage all parents to learn typical developmental milestones. You can find this anywhere on the internet. Learn what physical activity they should be doing at age 10 months, 24 months, 5 year, 10 years, and so forth. Learn how their language should be developing? How many words at what age, and what kinds of sentences or thoughts should a child be able to convey. If your child is non-verbal, teach them to sign, or sound or otherwise communicate. Teach your children what being careful is. Teach your children to say please and thank you and to know what that means. A parent who knows typical development can encourage their child to go the next step, such as practicing with help, to walk up or down stairs. Drive with your older age child and narrate what you see, how you judge when to put on the breaks, signal a turn, or how to use your navigation system. Take your young person to the bank, or shopping and show them how to use a card for payment. Tell them, talk to them, show them. Teach them to do laundry and have them do it. A ten year old can do laundry if you teach them.
Of course this is more complex! It takes time and we are all busy. It’s much easier to shop without a middle schooler in tow. Give them the list and have them pick the produce, or anything else you need. Include your young person in your daily life. Of course, we focus on school, but that’s not the only skills they need.
So parents: Let them fail. Teach them that failure is a part of life and nothing to be ashamed of. Failure does not mean that YOU are a failure. It simply means you didn’t do it this time. But you Can learn to do it next time.
Parents – You have not failed. You have a chance now to learn and do it the next time.
Creating a Spectrum of Possibilities,
Holly